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| The Bucket List. Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not, then send it to your friends (including me).
Things you have done during your lifetime:
( ) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
( ) Watched someone die
(x) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
(x) Been to Hawaii
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a helicopter
(x) Been lost
(x) Gone to Washington, DC
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x)Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
(x) Made prank phone calls
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone to the movies
(x) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
(x) Gone snowmobiling
(x) Lived in more than one country
(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish
(x) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
(x) Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
(x) Traveled by train
( ) Traveled by motorcycle
(x) Been horse back riding
(x) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
(x) Been to Disneyland
(x) Truly believed in the power of prayer
(x) Been in a rain forest
( ) Seen whales in the ocean
(x) Been to Niagara Falls
(x) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
(x) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
(x) Been water-skiing
(x) Been snow-skiing
(x) Been to Westminster Abbey
(x) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game
( ) Been to a National Football League game | | |
| it's been so long since my browser has visited this dialog box of blogging. perhaps my life has been so busy that i never feel like i have adequate time for blogging everything that happens to me. or maybe it's cuz i wonder who the hell even reads about my life anymore since it's been so long since the last entry...?
i think it's well overdue, so here goes something...
i'm at a loss of words and ideas on how to deal with trying to hear my sister out. i used to save her from my mother's discipline, but perhaps that was the wrong thing to do. i feel neglected and used. i feel like something riveted us apart.
i've thought about the decisions and sacrifices i've made in the past over and over again lately because of the difficult times we've been having. i honestly want her to succeed. i want to be there for her until she finishes high school.
i left hong kong because of a plane ticket issue, but i did not return to hong kong because i felt the obligation of an older sister to stick around and help my mom. who wants to go back home to a life of nagging and being told what to do while handling others' responsibilities? after nearly four years of independent living while being away for college and even living in another country for half a year, the last thing i wanted to do was to come home and have to live under someone else's rules and wishes again; however something deep down inside me told me that i should. i believed it too. i knew it would be the right thing to do in the end.
since my parents separated back in 2001, i haven't been able to help my mom really. being a junior in high school at the time, the most i could do was to help her and dad by soaking up all the shit-talking they felt necessary to say about each other; also, i felt it to be my utmost responsibility to help keep my sisters sane and somewhat content to keep us together as a family for what was left. sure, we had rifts and bad bumps along the way, but in the end i managed to help mediate between parties when times got tough whether or not the others saw my intentions. my intentions were selfless and it hurt me. the damage these past seven years have done to me are irreparable; the most i can do now is look forward.
forward is where i am now. and now, i am at a loss of where to go. i returned vowing to myself that i would help my mom take care of herself and my sister until she was in college. that would be four years that i devote to my mom to help her the best as i could while keeping two steady jobs. at least this way it would ease her position from being a single mother dealing with an adolescent daughter. these four years i would sacrifice any opportunity to leave home and work abroad or even go back to school to pursue a master degree; i now realize that school is not really an option anymore, but working elsewhere could be. however, i've come to face it that i owe it more to my mother, who helped put me through school and help me be where i am now; it wouldn't be fair for her to work over time and raise my sister. lately, times have made me wonder if i had done the right thing to put my dreams on hold.
i can't say it's the most pleasant job being a semi-mother at 23. sometimes it really sucks and scares the shit outta me, making me shudder at the thought of having to deal with it later in life, but i suppose i'm missing the entire experience that my mother has had raising us. it's not easy dealing with an adolescent sister who is probably what i was 7 years ago. i can't imagine how difficult i was to my parents at that age, yet i think i wasn't too far from what amanda is now. perhaps it's just all bad karma. i didn't make my parents feel appreciated and now she doesn't make me feel appreciated. so now what? my parents continued no matter how tough it was for them for their two eldest daughters, why can't i stick it out and just help my mom get through the hard times with her last child?
....i really don't know. 
god help me.
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| It feels as if my heart and mind have taken a full 360 in the past three weeks.
Enough of this moping around and feeling sorry for myself for creating a friendship that I thought might last.
I hate when I realize that invested time was, in fact, wasted time.
As the leaves fall from the trees, so do my worries and distressful thoughts...
It seems as though I've had enough of it all.
Three months.
God, three months.
I can't believe I let myself feel like crap being pushed aside.
No....now, I'm tired.
I'm done.
Do I feel bad?
Yes.
Do I regret it?
Yes, of course; who wouldn't regret losing a friend?
Can I help it?
I've tried, but it doesn't seem to be of priority of the other party even though I've already expressed my concern; So what am I to do at this point?
Am I giving up?
.....
I'd like to think that I'm not giving up.
If he makes an effort, sure, why not, give him a chance to explain himself.
However, don't fail to mention what crap he happened to put me through in the last 90 days.
- - - - - - - - - - ..... - - - - - - - - - - - - -..... - - - - - - - - - - - - -..... - - - - - - - - - - - - -.... - - - - - - - - - - - -
As I read this to myself, I can sense how bitter about the situation.
I have a lot of things to think and worry about so I can't let this one thing take over my mental and emotional states.
I don't particularly like feeling this way, so I hope it gets resolved soon.
I really hate burning bridges.
I don't advocate it and I am usually the one who tries to talk my friends out of burning their own bridges...
But the ropes have been cut from the otherside and I can't reach the stake to make the bridge usable again..
Will this bridge forever dangle in this chasm, swaying lifelessly with the winds of change?
The ropes tied to the stakes at my end are holding on....but just how long will they hold before they snap and break...
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| 요즘에 나는 믿을 수 없어. 지금은 몰라. 내 말 이해해? 내 말 좀 들어 봐. 너는... 왜 이렇게...그런 말은 하면 안 돼. 나 슬퍼. 나 너란테 실망했어. 난는 너무 헷갈려. 내 생각으로는 나는 실수했어.내가 틀렸어? | | |
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